I don’t call them lucky; I just call them my kids!
“They are so lucky to have you for parents!”
This is something I hear quite often, and I understand the reasons for it. After all, Hubby and I did specifically
Roo and Bear at the piano (last year, before we gave it up as part of moving in with another family who help us take care of the boys.)
choose to adopt children who were at high risk of never being adopted. Statistically speaking, they are “lucky” compared to the many other children with unlucky beginnings who will never have a family to call their own.
If you have ever said this, don’t sweat it. I know what you mean, and I appreciate the kind words.
But I just want to say, I’ve never thought of them as lucky.
I’ve just thought of them as my kids.
I feel like the lucky one.
Even when all I need in the world is for them to stop screaming in the car…
They are (among other things) my life’s biggest blessings.
Couple thoughts…
1. They are lucky to have you and Hubby. Just deal with it. Take the compliment and say thank you. I know it’s weird for you to hear and internalize, but we all know that they are far better off with you and Hubby than they would have been with their biological relations.
2. Quick story, or stories. Whatever. I love how you and Hubby make announcements, particularly after long drives. Some of my favorite announcements include:
* We’re going to live on a sailboat
* We’ve decided to adopt
* We’ve decided to adopt from the foster care system
And my favorite “Oh-my-lord-did-you-just-say-what-I-think-you-said” moment:
* We decided to be ready for two babies, not just one.
That decision, all on its own, is plenty of reason why they are lucky to have you. Most people don’t skip over the foster care system altogether. Most might take a white, healthy, baby.
Only a rare few would dare to take two special needs black boys. Might not seem heroic to you, but (*&%*#&%()*$ it is.
It just is.
p.s. The fact that Roo was willing to hold my hand at the zoo absolutely melted me. What a sweetheart (when he wasn’t hitting or biting the other kids).
PDS, could you be any sweeter?
But here’s the deal: in what sense of the word are they lucky? Lucky to be, as a fetus, formed in a toxic mixture that led to the medical problems discussed in an earlier post? Or were they luky that their biological parents couldn’t raise them and nobody else in their family wanted to? Or maybe lucky to be black kids being raised by white parents who cannot, be virtue of being white, have the first damn clue about how to teach them to navigate a racially divided country and deal with the inevitable racism which is to come?
Like my super-wife, I do get the sentiment. But the way I see it is we’re only giving them what they were already entitled to: a safe stable home with parents that love them. I don’t know that it is appropriate to be congratulated for that.
I think all parents who God has blessed with children are blessed luck has nothing to do with it, I remember people always saying those things to me and I never quite understood it, my need to give love was as great if not greater then their need to receive it. I am thankful and often times feeling unworthy of the blessing God has called me for in being a parent, adoption is something that doesnt change the benefit to either side, children are a blessing from God period. We too are adopted into the family of God a very strong bond it is indeed.
PDS and Hubby, I so miss our evenings of eating out over food would couldn’t really afford and listening to the two of you wasting bickering happily over semantics. Ahh, the “good old days!” I also miss long drives with time to talk. Haven’t done that since October 29, 2006…
I think you’re both right. It’s important for me to hold those seemingly opposing ideas together in the same hand.
PDS, Roo and Bear trust and adore you like very few others, even though they don’t get to see you very often right now. As a matter of fact, when Bear met Sarah for the first time, all he needed to know to give her the “thumbs up” was that she was a friend of yours!
Kim, I love how we were probably both typing at the same time there…
“Luck” is a funny word in general, but it’s one we use all the time.
I think I do understand why people say it. I think it’s hard for them to understand how blessed it feels to be doing something God put in our hearts to do.
I’m certain that the “me” from 10 years ago would have called the boys “lucky” and would have been amazed that some people felt ready to adopt in the way we have done. I’m only where I’m at now because of an unexpected journey God took me on to get here.
Being an adoptive parent has made me think a lot about being the adopted children of God. I understand that in a much more profound way than I did before.
I treasure hearing from you Kim, as one who has walked this path before me in many ways.
Love this post. Having adopted 2 babies through foster care, we get similar (ok, identical) remarks. I always cringe a bit. Yes, my children are lucky-blessed. Yes, my husband and I are lucky-blessed. But please, please don’t say such things in front of our kids who then might think that we came into this venture trying to save them from a terrible life, instead of just to love them like our own flesh and blood. I know this is a conversation we’ll be having with our girls one day. It’s inevitable, I suppose.
And Catherine hits the nail squarely on the head…
I so understand what you mean by preparing for the journey, I too was prepared too much to put into words, but you are doing a wonderful job and it is not hard to see that God perfectly designed them for you and you for them, I remember Sultan saying to me why didnt you come for me sooner and it broke my heart and said he wished he had come from my tummy, i said you came from my heart and my soul and you were meant to be mine from since time began, and what a blessing it is to know and understand that. You and your husband were set apart for the exact moment and divine purpose. I feel so unworthy as Im sure you do, and the journey at times has been wrought with tears and heartache, frustration and weariness but I will never ever ever wish for my life before my children. Thats saying a lot being the mom of teens now..lol
Ok listen here Naomi and Hubby.
I was in the foster care system. And I was shuffled from place to place. And I can say with a great deal of authority that those boys are lucky to have you. I’ve been in the trenches, and it ain’t all purty-like.
Should every child be entitled to a loving and stable home? Absolutely. But between you, me, and the trees, we know that isn’t what happens. And good parenting, while rewarding and all that jazz, is hard labor. It is. And there are thousands of people who don’t do it and millions of others who do it badly.
So I’m gonna gosh darn well celebrate the ones who did (thinking of my own deceased foster mother) and do (like the two of you).
:dusts off hands:
Glad we’ve got that settled.
p.s. This conversation would be so much better at Chang’s.
I know it’s not exactly the same, but I feel the same way about my step-sons….I feel like we are all lucky to have each other. After their mom died I hear a lot how lucky they are to have me..I agree with them but I also feel blessed to have them as well. I know God was there to help put me in their lives knowing that we needed each other even though we didn’t understand that 11 years ago! I could go on and on about this, but I think you get it!
Sharlene, it sounds a lot the same to me! It sounds like quite a story; I’d love hear more of it sometime.