to be noticed and remembered wherever we go
Together, the boys and I are a very memorable trio.
We are one pale-white Caucasian mom with two dark-brown African-American boys. If that weren’t
Perhaps the best photo taken of me and the boys, taken by the family who recognized us from the zoo two days earlier. We're sitting on a little amusement park steam train. (As a general rule, I've decided to not post photos of the boys faces unless the photos are very old.)
enough, the boys look like twins to most people at first glance. We are also generating 3-4 times the activity of most other families in the vicinity.
Case in point
- Thursday morning we were at the downtown zoo. On weekday mornings during the school year, the zoo is filled with hundreds of Mothers & Toddlers.
- This morning, we went to a pint-sized amusement park at a farm in the country, 30 miles away from zoo, also filled mostly with Mothers & Toddlers.
- As we walked in the front gate, another Mom (with Toddler) said to me, “HEY, weren’t you at the zoo earlier this week?” Of course, to me she just looked like the 200 other white Moms & Toddlers I had seen at the zoo.
- I wondered when exactly she saw us at the zoo, and if it looked like we were having fun or creating havoc at the time. But I didn’t ask.
On a possibly related note, there was a kind-sounding friendly mom at the zoo on Thursday who saw me with the boys, wrangling them while helping them wait their turn to touch the tortoise at at toddler time. (Turn touch tortoise toddler time - now that’s accidental fun with words!)
ANYWAY, she said I was brave. Now, this is generally considered a compliment, right? But what can be read into having a (white) stranger kindly tell me I’m “brave” for being out in public with my sons. Hmm? Has anyone every looked at you and your kids and declared you to be brave?
Someday when I’m feeling brave I will dig into this racial conversation with you a little more.
There are some days I’d be okay with not being the most interesting family in the room. Or the zoo.
P.S. We had a great time at the zoo and the amusement park!
When I read the “brave” comment, I didn’t see it as a racial thing. I saw it as “you’re one brave mommy, taking those two energetic little boys out by yourself because it can’t be easy keeping them both rounded up.”
Would love to see the full frame of that picture. There aren’t many photos of you and the boys!
I have had many years to enjoy the experiences it appears you are having at this point, I dont notice it much now maybe because I guess I am immune to it now. YOu will have many challenges with people when the kids go to school etc…much more difficult for us because of the lack of diversity but no matter where you go there are always people who cant seem to get beyond their biases. When the teen years come again more challenges but I am thankful now that I have been successful in parenting to African American young men in a predominantly white community and family and they culturally are becoming and embracing their own ethnic culture but beyond that have a greater understanding then most how silly racism truly is. They look beyond the color of a persons skin to the their character and for that I feel as if I have done my job well.
Allison, I’m glad you mentioned that and I was just thinking of coming back and adding a comment along those lines. It’s hard to give this topic fair coverage in a blog post. Yes, I’m certain that’s what she meant, and that’s how I took it from her. I think anything “racial” in the comment would be only at subconscious/societal level.
I’m definitely grateful when folks see that parenting my boys is hard work,and they are recognize the hard work it is to take them to the zoo instead of just stay at home.
It’s just that I’m also painfully aware that there are lots of children in foster care waiting to be adopted. And a grossly disproportional number of the children who will never be adopted are African-American boys. Do folks feel like they have to be “brave” to adopt African-American boys? Complex questions, complex answers…
This may be the best picture of me and the boys, and the uncropped photo will be on my facebook account.
Kim, I love to hear from you, thanks!
:begin random race rant:
The race question is really a tricky one, as there are disproporationately more African American children than white ones. Why is this? And what do we do about it? And Where the heck is the black church?
Personal pet peeve: African American people who say that black children shouldn’t be raised by white parents, and yet are completely unwilling to do it themselves.
I know this is entirely different than what you’re talking about, but it does fit under the larger “race and adoption” conversation.
As for brave, you and Cory probably the bravest people I know. I’m sure it might not feel that way to you because you just plow through every day doing what you need to do. But let me tell you, every time I see you or Cory with those darlings I think, “Oh. My. God. That is brave.”
:/end rant:
PDS, I need to have you on as an official guest author of this blog. I’m sure you’ll be able to say plenty of blunt, brief opinions that I only dare to tip toe around.
Thanks for the past couple of brave comments from you. From you, of course, I know for sure where that’s coming from. I’m chewing on this… will need to be it’s own entry.
And context is everything, isn’t it? Coming from me, someone you know, you can trust it. From strangers, it is so much more difficult. We wonder about their motivations, their views on the world, their prejudices, etc.
I think this is a great example of larger race issues in our society, of which you are getting a most brutal indoctrination. If ten white moms give you “the look”, why wouldn’t you be skeptical of the eleventh?
It is only through relationship that we then open ourselves up and let our guards down.
I’m thankful for this blog that allows us to do that in a deeper way than we can while looking at pink flamingos.
Yes, pds, it’s only through relationship. We can go to UIR till the cows come home (and I have), but relationship is where things really change (and really get hard). Naomi, I don’t think I could handle the “you’re brave” comment as gracefully as you seem to have handled it. And Loretta has been talking about the flamingos all week.
Such a timely discussion. Joey and I are being considered for a little African American girl. All the “black” friends I have, get wound up when I say African American, they spew at me about the fact that I never say Dutch American, but that is a different subject all together… Isn’t it?
We were musing about the changes we would experience when that happened, and how we would handle them. I tend to be much more abrupt and confrontive (if not combative) person in our pair and that is one of the areas I would really need to work on. But I was surprised when he mentioned that he was worried about the first time someone said something to him and how he would want to (I think he said) punch them in the face. WHAT, my calm, cool VERY sensible husband thought that way. But then he said, it would be my baby girl they are insulting and… I got it.
So what DO you do, how DO you teach them to handle the comments, well intended or not? What is your method? Where do you draw the line?
How do you react?
I am fishing here.
I love the blog Naomi, the real deal from a great, fantastic, and amazing Mom (and Dad)
dekangaro, it’s exciting to hear about developments in your adoption process. You have lots of good questions and I’ll keep these in mind as I go. I’ll have to pace myself… don’t want to scare everyone off right away.
Dutch-American, African-American, I would say it IS part of the same conversation. We must have a comfort level with how we refer to our own children!
sarahmk and dekangaro,
The “brave” comment didn’t feel difficult to me at the time, it just seemed quite interesting to me in retrospect. Well-intended comments from the general public I have learned to take simply as that.
The most important thing in those moments is that someone is reaching out and actually saying something to me. That’s a risky move. In a culture where we never say certain things for fear of offending, and value “staying out of each other’s business” over building community, I greatly appreciate that. In a passing moment, the right and easy thing for me to do is just say “thanks,” and mean it. It is not my role to educate every well-meaning mom on the possibility that she may be speaking out of sub-conscious institutionalized racism.
My overall experience has been that people make supportive, friendly comments to me. People who have something to say otherwise, don’t actually say it.
Besides, if pds didn’t cut me plenty of slack over the years, I’d never have the life-changing, eye-opening experience of being her friend. Right, pds?
Interestingly, when I look back on our ten year relationship (egads!) I can’t remember any glaring I cannot believe Naomi just said/did that. I do remember a lot of really thoughtful conversations though. Funny enough, I remember more political conversations than race ones.
There are lots of ways to approach race in our country. I’ve always found that you and Hubby were of this variety:
There is a balance in our relationship. I learned about Republicans, about being kind to one’s spouse and having fun with that person, about growing up in the midwest, about being a PK, about pursuing dreams great and small (the boat!), about dive bars and great diners, about some of the greatest omelets on this planet, and a trick about scoring meatloaf so that everyone gets a crunchy outer bit and soft inner bit, about selfless love that seems in overwhelming abundance.
They learned some things about depression and crankiness (I use this term in polite company, but feel free to substitute another).
I so got the better end of the deal.
Good lord, Priya. That’s very nice of you. My reply to that is probably going to have to be it’s own entry, though…
I’m not so much into real hugs, but virtual ones I’m really good at.
Hey, I am just reminiscing through old Momisises. Ya know - none of our kids match each other, or us. And although at times the stares are annoying, I have lately realized, and embraced, our VIP status. We get greeted and seated. Previous sales people come up and say hello. The haircut place knows my boys’ names before they get to the computer.
and lately…. on the rare occasions when I am out by myself, people ask me where my kids are!!!!!
and - you are a mom of two male toddlers - I would call you brave for ever leaving home with them (and no backup). I know I only do it first thing in the morning when they and I are in the best spirits.
big hugs! my rambling is finito!
Thanks Momma G! I’m sure you give great hugs. I can feel it all the way over here!
No, people never call me brave- they just call me crazy.
Welcome, Angel! Thanks for your comment. Crazy or brave… sometimes those two are very close together, aren’t they?
I just did a quick check-in on your blog.
“I’m Anjolcake, single trans-racial adoptive/foster mom to 2 little girls.”
Okay, that does sound pretty crazy! I’ll be back to read more when the boys are in bed!